Sunday, 28 June 2015

Dinners Parties and Operations.

The last two weeks have been full on, with the next week looking to have me flat out on my back, and not in a good way!

I turned 40 last week, and my mum turned 65 and retired from work. So I had a modest dinner with friends on Friday night, but Saturday night it was a big party for my mum. Busy busy all week getting ready for the party, in between working, study, down time with this stomach infection, and organising the parties and dinner, I had little time left to spend with the person I really wanted to.

He has been very patient and understanding. Finally he is starting to feel a little bit more like himself on the new meds. At least I think he is. I have hardly spent any time with him. I was home from the party last night at 4am, and it was the first time we were alone and both awake in 5 days! It was nice to just chat to him.

Tomorrow I go in for stomach surgery, I will be in for at least one night, maybe two. Then I will be home recovering. Well at least I will be able to be home with my hubby, even if it will be very vanilla.

I want to stomp my feet at the world and cry out in frustration!! Deep breath, I can wait, its really not that long to wait, when I think we have the rest of our lives.

Monday, 15 June 2015

Life before lifestyle

Its been a crazy few weeks. I have been sick, on antibiotics for a stomach infection, and they give me thrush! Ugh! I was at the chemist looking at the pro biotics, when I got the script filled. I should have got them.

I had an endoscopy today and have surgery booked for 2 weeks time. We had a friend stay for a week and we also had our annual Yule feast. It is always at our house, and I can tell you, feeding a 3 course meal to 16 adults and 5 kids whilst you are not 100% is no easy feat!

So we still haven't really had a good talk about it. But I refuse to let it fall by the wayside like it did all those years ago.

Part of the problem I faced last time was not being in touch with other submissives. I read a lot of adult erotica, based on BDSM lifestyle, and whilst I did find them very enjoyable, and a good source of knowledge and a help to see the different aspects. It was very bubble like. If we lived in a bubble and no "Life" got in the way, that would be a great way to live. I guess Im trying to say that I am now very appreciative to find the other blogs of submissives who actually tell their story, all of it, even the boring bits. Because its the boring bits, the mistakes, the arguments, the stress, that makes life up.

So to my bloggers that I stalk (I mean follow) thank you for being honest. It helps me believe that we can do this. Warts and all.

Thursday, 4 June 2015

Did I ask too much?

Its not like I asked him if he wanted Pizza for dinner. I opened up my heart and my inner fears and told him what I have been craving for a very long time now.

He pushed it to the side, said he would think on it.

Is he too wrapped up in his own shit, and to sunk into the way things are to be bothered to change.

I really tried. Tried to be the submissive he wanted me to be all those years ago. I didn't ague, I did everything he asked, I differed to his judgement with everything. Its like he didn't even notice.

All the while I am still waiting on him to think on it.

I know he is unwell, he is changing his meds, and my health is up in the air at the moment, waiting on tests results, and a endoscopy next week. I am not up for being intimate at the moment, and I know he is not also.

But... I don't just want to submit to him, I want him to dominate me. I am not asking for ties, whips ropes clamps... well, maybe later when we feel better. I just want him to love me enough to pay attention to me, to want to dominate me. To want to feel in charge of me and enjoy it because he loves me.

Maybe he just doesn't want to anymore. I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me how he feels about it.

Feeling crappy today, and needed to vent. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)

Monday, 1 June 2015

I faced my fear of Him turning me down, He didn't. But....
It has been almost a week since we had "the discussion" It ended with me saying, so what do you want out of this, and Him saying, I will think about it. I guess he is still thinking. We continue to live our vanilla life, with the only changes seeming to be mine.

Ok... so that is a little exaggerated. It has only been 5 days. And if I am being completely honest, He is changing His mindset, but it is slow. SO SLOW! I want it all and I want it now!  (how bratty is that)

So to be entirely truthful, we had "the discussion" Thursday night, Friday, he was very tired, and slept most of the day, a mix of over worked and under slept for the last 3 months with many commitments pulling Him in different directions, He finally finished the last of them, looked around and realized He had nothing left pressing on his time, so He slept. And slept, and slept.
I went out with my friends on Friday night. I usually go out with the girls once or twice a month, this time, I asked his permission. He looked at me funny and said, of course, then I think He realized that we were trying to change the dynamic of the relationship. He said, I'm not going to keep you locked up. So I went out and he slept.

Saturday night I was sick, I have a problem in my stomach that sent us to the hospital, I think it was more a storm in a teacup, but it put Him into protective mode, and he is still kinda there.

I say kinda, because last night, although tender and not really up to anything OTT, we played a little, just him restraining me and really going hard on my nipple, just one.. I feel a little lopsided today. It was good, it was a good start, I felt close to my pain limit a few times but wanted to keep going, I wanted to let Him take it as far as he wanted to. I wanted to submit to his will. But geez it made me hot!

Outside of the bedroom I have shown my submission at every opportunity. He on the other hand, has sat back on his haunches, so to speak. No commands, no requests. Perhaps he is sussing it out, perhaps he needs longer to get his head around it than I do. Perhaps I need to cut Him some slack, I have been thinking of this much longer than he has.

He did show dominance last night, when I was unwell and had a fever, he told me to go get a bottle of water and come to bed with it.  It wasn't much, but the way he said it had me tingling inside. It was reminiscent to the old days. It was for my benefit, but it still was what I wanted to hear.