Its been a crazy few weeks. I have been sick, on antibiotics for a stomach infection, and they give me thrush! Ugh! I was at the chemist looking at the pro biotics, when I got the script filled. I should have got them.
I had an endoscopy today and have surgery booked for 2 weeks time. We had a friend stay for a week and we also had our annual Yule feast. It is always at our house, and I can tell you, feeding a 3 course meal to 16 adults and 5 kids whilst you are not 100% is no easy feat!
So we still haven't really had a good talk about it. But I refuse to let it fall by the wayside like it did all those years ago.
Part of the problem I faced last time was not being in touch with other submissives. I read a lot of adult erotica, based on BDSM lifestyle, and whilst I did find them very enjoyable, and a good source of knowledge and a help to see the different aspects. It was very bubble like. If we lived in a bubble and no "Life" got in the way, that would be a great way to live. I guess Im trying to say that I am now very appreciative to find the other blogs of submissives who actually tell their story, all of it, even the boring bits. Because its the boring bits, the mistakes, the arguments, the stress, that makes life up.
So to my bloggers that I stalk (I mean follow) thank you for being honest. It helps me believe that we can do this. Warts and all.
Monday, 15 June 2015
Thursday, 4 June 2015
Did I ask too much?
Its not like I asked him if he wanted Pizza for dinner. I opened up my heart and my inner fears and told him what I have been craving for a very long time now.
He pushed it to the side, said he would think on it.
Is he too wrapped up in his own shit, and to sunk into the way things are to be bothered to change.
I really tried. Tried to be the submissive he wanted me to be all those years ago. I didn't ague, I did everything he asked, I differed to his judgement with everything. Its like he didn't even notice.
All the while I am still waiting on him to think on it.
I know he is unwell, he is changing his meds, and my health is up in the air at the moment, waiting on tests results, and a endoscopy next week. I am not up for being intimate at the moment, and I know he is not also.
But... I don't just want to submit to him, I want him to dominate me. I am not asking for ties, whips ropes clamps... well, maybe later when we feel better. I just want him to love me enough to pay attention to me, to want to dominate me. To want to feel in charge of me and enjoy it because he loves me.
Maybe he just doesn't want to anymore. I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me how he feels about it.
Feeling crappy today, and needed to vent. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)
He pushed it to the side, said he would think on it.
Is he too wrapped up in his own shit, and to sunk into the way things are to be bothered to change.
I really tried. Tried to be the submissive he wanted me to be all those years ago. I didn't ague, I did everything he asked, I differed to his judgement with everything. Its like he didn't even notice.
All the while I am still waiting on him to think on it.
I know he is unwell, he is changing his meds, and my health is up in the air at the moment, waiting on tests results, and a endoscopy next week. I am not up for being intimate at the moment, and I know he is not also.
But... I don't just want to submit to him, I want him to dominate me. I am not asking for ties, whips ropes clamps... well, maybe later when we feel better. I just want him to love me enough to pay attention to me, to want to dominate me. To want to feel in charge of me and enjoy it because he loves me.
Maybe he just doesn't want to anymore. I just wish he would be honest with me and tell me how he feels about it.
Feeling crappy today, and needed to vent. Tomorrow will be a better day. :)
Monday, 1 June 2015
I faced my fear of Him turning me down, He didn't. But....
It has been almost a week since we had "the discussion" It ended with me saying, so what do you want out of this, and Him saying, I will think about it. I guess he is still thinking. We continue to live our vanilla life, with the only changes seeming to be mine.
Ok... so that is a little exaggerated. It has only been 5 days. And if I am being completely honest, He is changing His mindset, but it is slow. SO SLOW! I want it all and I want it now! (how bratty is that)
So to be entirely truthful, we had "the discussion" Thursday night, Friday, he was very tired, and slept most of the day, a mix of over worked and under slept for the last 3 months with many commitments pulling Him in different directions, He finally finished the last of them, looked around and realized He had nothing left pressing on his time, so He slept. And slept, and slept.
I went out with my friends on Friday night. I usually go out with the girls once or twice a month, this time, I asked his permission. He looked at me funny and said, of course, then I think He realized that we were trying to change the dynamic of the relationship. He said, I'm not going to keep you locked up. So I went out and he slept.
Saturday night I was sick, I have a problem in my stomach that sent us to the hospital, I think it was more a storm in a teacup, but it put Him into protective mode, and he is still kinda there.
I say kinda, because last night, although tender and not really up to anything OTT, we played a little, just him restraining me and really going hard on my nipple, just one.. I feel a little lopsided today. It was good, it was a good start, I felt close to my pain limit a few times but wanted to keep going, I wanted to let Him take it as far as he wanted to. I wanted to submit to his will. But geez it made me hot!
Outside of the bedroom I have shown my submission at every opportunity. He on the other hand, has sat back on his haunches, so to speak. No commands, no requests. Perhaps he is sussing it out, perhaps he needs longer to get his head around it than I do. Perhaps I need to cut Him some slack, I have been thinking of this much longer than he has.
He did show dominance last night, when I was unwell and had a fever, he told me to go get a bottle of water and come to bed with it. It wasn't much, but the way he said it had me tingling inside. It was reminiscent to the old days. It was for my benefit, but it still was what I wanted to hear.
It has been almost a week since we had "the discussion" It ended with me saying, so what do you want out of this, and Him saying, I will think about it. I guess he is still thinking. We continue to live our vanilla life, with the only changes seeming to be mine.
Ok... so that is a little exaggerated. It has only been 5 days. And if I am being completely honest, He is changing His mindset, but it is slow. SO SLOW! I want it all and I want it now! (how bratty is that)
So to be entirely truthful, we had "the discussion" Thursday night, Friday, he was very tired, and slept most of the day, a mix of over worked and under slept for the last 3 months with many commitments pulling Him in different directions, He finally finished the last of them, looked around and realized He had nothing left pressing on his time, so He slept. And slept, and slept.
I went out with my friends on Friday night. I usually go out with the girls once or twice a month, this time, I asked his permission. He looked at me funny and said, of course, then I think He realized that we were trying to change the dynamic of the relationship. He said, I'm not going to keep you locked up. So I went out and he slept.
Saturday night I was sick, I have a problem in my stomach that sent us to the hospital, I think it was more a storm in a teacup, but it put Him into protective mode, and he is still kinda there.
I say kinda, because last night, although tender and not really up to anything OTT, we played a little, just him restraining me and really going hard on my nipple, just one.. I feel a little lopsided today. It was good, it was a good start, I felt close to my pain limit a few times but wanted to keep going, I wanted to let Him take it as far as he wanted to. I wanted to submit to his will. But geez it made me hot!
Outside of the bedroom I have shown my submission at every opportunity. He on the other hand, has sat back on his haunches, so to speak. No commands, no requests. Perhaps he is sussing it out, perhaps he needs longer to get his head around it than I do. Perhaps I need to cut Him some slack, I have been thinking of this much longer than he has.
He did show dominance last night, when I was unwell and had a fever, he told me to go get a bottle of water and come to bed with it. It wasn't much, but the way he said it had me tingling inside. It was reminiscent to the old days. It was for my benefit, but it still was what I wanted to hear.
Thursday, 28 May 2015
So I just asked!
So it turns out the easiest way was just to ask Him. I trust Him, I love Him, and I can only show that by being completely honest with Him. If I sat on my feelings for too long, then in a way I would have been deceitful by keeping my blog and my thoughts from him.
How could I ask him to by my Dom if I am not ready to submit. By submit I mean to lay my soul bare, and be honest.
So He said... That sounds like fun. LOL... I was not sure what I expected him to say. But I should have trusted in him to be ok with it.
He read my blog and agreed with how I summed up our life so far. That was good to hear, it means I was not the only one along for the ride, and we were experiencing this together.
So now what? I asked him to think about what he wants from this new arrangement. I guess I wait.
I explained that I find it easier to write this stuff down than to verbalize it. He agreed that he does sometimes too. So I am going to use this as a way of expressing what I can't say.
Topping from the bottom has always scared me. I think this fear contributed to us not communicating well the first time around. I still don't have the crux of it yet.
Slow and steady. Getting back into the mindset will take time for both of us.
I am really glad I took the plunge and asked him.... But I might want to change that answer after the first time I get my butt spanked!
How could I ask him to by my Dom if I am not ready to submit. By submit I mean to lay my soul bare, and be honest.
So He said... That sounds like fun. LOL... I was not sure what I expected him to say. But I should have trusted in him to be ok with it.
He read my blog and agreed with how I summed up our life so far. That was good to hear, it means I was not the only one along for the ride, and we were experiencing this together.
So now what? I asked him to think about what he wants from this new arrangement. I guess I wait.
I explained that I find it easier to write this stuff down than to verbalize it. He agreed that he does sometimes too. So I am going to use this as a way of expressing what I can't say.
Topping from the bottom has always scared me. I think this fear contributed to us not communicating well the first time around. I still don't have the crux of it yet.
Slow and steady. Getting back into the mindset will take time for both of us.
I am really glad I took the plunge and asked him.... But I might want to change that answer after the first time I get my butt spanked!
Wednesday, 27 May 2015
How do I tell the man I have loved for 13yrs and married 5yrs that i want to deepen our life together by going back to D/s.
13yrs ago I met my beloved on an online dating site. Lava life. I don't even know if it exists any more. The reason we went on that first date was because of the one thing we had in common. His dominance and my submission. He had been in the scene for quite a few years, with a few past D/s relationships. I had very little experience except for a few one night stands with other dominants, but nothing solid. But i knew what I was and what I needed.
He gave that to me, and we fell in love.
I have always been very independent financially and had been working full time for many years before we met. He had just lost his job, had major back injury and neck pain. So i supported Him financially and emotionally and I guess he stopped feeling like a dom.
That was one of the factors that lead us to say way too often "life before lifestyle". Until there was only life and no lifestyle left.
At the time of our D/s relationship he was in some ways strict but others not so much. It was confusing for me. We had rules (well I had rules to follow) but they were mainly around the sex side of things. We never sat down and worked out what we wanted outside of sex. He presumed one thing and I presumed another. When i bratted against something he wanted, rather than punishment, he would assume that it was a hard limit and drop it. I didn't know how to talk to him about it. We were a new couple and I was very new at the D/s lifestyle. He was also self conscious because of the finance and his disabilitating injuries.
So fast forward 11yrs and we live a very vanilla life. We still sometimes have kinky sex, but that is few and far between. Often I see that he misses it. He brought glow in the dark rope a few months ago and told me it's for me, but it hasn't come out of its wrapping yet. Our toy box got sticky taped up years ago in a move and has not been reopened. I am afraid it will be full of dust or cobwebs. Any thing with a battery will just need to be chucked.
Some aspects of our D/s time still stands. I always ask permission to come. I still defer to him alot. Thats about it though.
I know now when we fight its often me pushing my will when he wants to and feels like he has the right decision. I know we would be happier if he could control that will fullness in me in a way we both will appreciate.
So, just how do I ask him to be my Dom again?
13yrs ago I met my beloved on an online dating site. Lava life. I don't even know if it exists any more. The reason we went on that first date was because of the one thing we had in common. His dominance and my submission. He had been in the scene for quite a few years, with a few past D/s relationships. I had very little experience except for a few one night stands with other dominants, but nothing solid. But i knew what I was and what I needed.
He gave that to me, and we fell in love.
I have always been very independent financially and had been working full time for many years before we met. He had just lost his job, had major back injury and neck pain. So i supported Him financially and emotionally and I guess he stopped feeling like a dom.
That was one of the factors that lead us to say way too often "life before lifestyle". Until there was only life and no lifestyle left.
At the time of our D/s relationship he was in some ways strict but others not so much. It was confusing for me. We had rules (well I had rules to follow) but they were mainly around the sex side of things. We never sat down and worked out what we wanted outside of sex. He presumed one thing and I presumed another. When i bratted against something he wanted, rather than punishment, he would assume that it was a hard limit and drop it. I didn't know how to talk to him about it. We were a new couple and I was very new at the D/s lifestyle. He was also self conscious because of the finance and his disabilitating injuries.
So fast forward 11yrs and we live a very vanilla life. We still sometimes have kinky sex, but that is few and far between. Often I see that he misses it. He brought glow in the dark rope a few months ago and told me it's for me, but it hasn't come out of its wrapping yet. Our toy box got sticky taped up years ago in a move and has not been reopened. I am afraid it will be full of dust or cobwebs. Any thing with a battery will just need to be chucked.
Some aspects of our D/s time still stands. I always ask permission to come. I still defer to him alot. Thats about it though.
I know now when we fight its often me pushing my will when he wants to and feels like he has the right decision. I know we would be happier if he could control that will fullness in me in a way we both will appreciate.
So, just how do I ask him to be my Dom again?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)